What the bloody hell!
by Frederika Gryphon
Summary: I really, really have no idea. This is random, incarnate. Read, if you are in need of a giggle! This is what watching scary movies and then sleeping all day do to me...
1. In which we meet the randomness!

Woot! Ok, people, heres the plot - THERE IS NONE! This is just a lot of total nonsense I'm writing because I've just scared myself ****less by going on this website about this film that I'm terrified of..that I wont be admitting to..but it involves a video, black horses, and a VERY VERY scary girl called Samara..  
  
Samara: Hello.  
  
Me: ..*dies*  
  
Samara: Oh. Fine. Spoil my fun then. *goes away*  
  
Me: *opens one eye* Am I safe yet?  
  
The Voices in my head: No. But do get on with it..  
  
Me: Ok..*jumps up and resumes random fic* I do apologise if Samara shows up a couple of times..my mind is troubles.. *hides behind sofa*  
  
IN WHICH THERE IS MUCH POINTLESS CONFUSION, AND JOKES BAD ENOUGH TO MAKE CHUCKLEVISION LOOK FUNNY  
  
Remus: Sirius!  
  
Sirius: Oui?  
  
Remus: Introduce the damn fic!  
  
Sirius: ..but..Fred's already done it..  
  
Fred Weasly: I have?  
  
Sirius: No, the other Fred.  
  
George: Me?  
  
Sirius: No, the OTHER Fred..Frederika..  
  
Me: He means me..  
  
Twins: Ohhh..  
  
Remus: Anyway.  
  
Sirius: Anyway what?  
  
Remus: Introduce the fic!  
  
Sirius: o_O But Fred already did that! She just admitted it..  
  
Fred: I'm not a she!  
  
Sirius: No, the other Fred..  
  
George: Oh, here we go again..  
  
James: Onto the next chapter!  
  
Remus: o__O Arent you dead?  
  
James: *points to Sirius* Isnt he?  
  
Me: Touche. Anyway.  
  
Sirius: On! To the next chapter!  
  
Samara: Woot!  
  
Everyone: o_O  
  
Me: *Dies. Again.*  
  
Samara: I seem to have that effect on people..  
  
Everyone: *goes to next chapter*  
  
Sirius: *comes back and drags Frederika to next chapter* 


	2. In which we are invaded by Lyra?

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere we go..*whispers* If you value your sanity, run. That's it..hit that nice big shiny back button. Because this is going to be mindblowingly stupid. I mean it. I have no mercy.  
  
Samara: Neither do I  
  
Me: Eep.  
  
IN WHICH I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON BECAUSE I KEEP PASSING OUT, SO THIS COULD GET INTERESTING..  
  
Me: *wakes up* Ooooh. New chapter. How did I get here?  
  
Sirius: I dragged you.  
  
Me: My hero.  
  
Sirius: You need to go on diet.  
  
Me: ¬_¬  
  
Remus: So. I seem to be the only one with a mere hint of sanity. What is going on?  
  
Everyone (including Samara): How should I know?!  
  
Me: *passes out again*  
  
Fred: Oh, crikey.  
  
George: Youre useless.  
  
Ron: She is.  
  
George: Where did you come from?  
  
Ron: Well, when Mum and Dad-  
  
Everyone: *stuffs fingers in ears and start singing loudly*  
  
Me: *is woken up by singing* Hi Ron. Where did you come from?  
  
Ron: I was just saying, when Mum an- *has tennis ball shoved in mouth by Harry* mufflemsstmummmble.  
  
Everyone: Phew, thanks Harry.  
  
Harry: No problem. *looks at Sirius* Didn't you die?  
  
Sirius: Apparently.  
  
James: Harry! My son!  
  
Harry: ..  
  
James: Its me! Your father!  
  
Harry: *narrows eyes*  
  
James: *looks crestfallen* Whaaaaaaaat?  
  
Harry: Its YOUR fault I look like this. And have tragic hair.  
  
James: Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that..  
  
Hermione: As touching as this all is, shouldn't there be a plot in here somewhere?  
  
Me: o_0 Hey! That was my line!  
  
Hermione: Bite me.  
  
Me: *bares fangs*  
  
Samara: Ehem.  
  
Me: X__x  
  
Hermione: Cheers, Sammy.  
  
Everyone: O_o  
  
Samara: o_O  
  
Hermione: Whaaaaaaaaaat?  
  
Draco Malfoy: You smell.  
  
Everyone: Bugger off!  
  
Draco: Ok..  
  
Harry: Aww..nuts..  
  
Everyone: o_O  
  
*ripping noise in air*  
  
Everyone: Whassat?  
  
*Lyra and Will appear*  
  
Everyone: o_O  
  
Will: Hello. Where are we?  
  
Remus: *points at unconscious Frederika* In her fic.  
  
Will: I..see..  
  
Lyra: Dude, this is so NOT the world of the dead.  
  
Will: *looking at sprawled author and at Samara absent mindedly picking off a bit of her own flesh* You sure?  
  
Lyra: Shuttup or I wont fall in love with you.  
  
Will: 0_o I'm quiet.  
  
Lyra: Lets go then..Pan! Come on..  
  
Pan: *is busy prodding Frederika's sleeping daemon*  
  
((Me: You don't know what I'm talking about? Go buy Northern Lights. And tell Phillip Pullman I aint advertising his books for FREE y'know..))  
  
My daemon: Murgzzz..  
  
Pan: *bites daemon*  
  
My daemon: YIPE!  
  
Me: *wakes up* Whassamatter? Will? Lyra? WHAT TH-  
  
Samara: Shut up.  
  
Me: X____x  
  
Lyra, Pan and Will: This is weird. Bye! See you all in the world of the dead! *leaves*  
  
Samara: *follows*  
  
Me: *wakes up*  
  
George: *wearing wig, pretending to be Samara* Wooooo!  
  
Me: *di-* Hey, wait a second..*chases after George trying to transfigure him into something nasty*  
  
Everyone: You're a witch?!  
  
Me: Course. Do I look like a muggle?!  
  
Everyone: *looks at her muggle clothes, lack of any magical ability and big shiny badge that says "Big Up The Muggles!"*  
  
Me: *waves sharp things* Do. I. Look. Like. A. Muggle?  
  
Everyone: *eyeing sharp objects and lying through teeth* No.  
  
Me: Good. Onto the next chapter! *tries to dive into next chapter but only succeeds in bellyflopping*  
  
Everyone: *rolls eyes and follows*  
  
I've said it many times before, and I will say it again. Flames are only useful for toasting marshmallows..  
  
-----()_)  
  
Me: Mmmm. Marshmallows.  
  
Samara: *pouts* I want a marshmallow.  
  
Me: Please don't kill me.  
  
Samara: *narrows scary pupil-less eyes* Give me a marshmallow then..  
  
Me: X____x 


	3. In which the books invade! Mwahahaha!

Oooo. Just realised I havent done a disclaimer.  
  
Samara: Bad you!  
  
Me: *clunk*  
  
Samara: *sighs* Blah blah, JKRowling, blahblah Phillip Pullman, Garth Nix, Terry Pratchet, Tolkien, and whoevers work is likely to appear here at any point.  
  
Sirius: And whoever thought up Samara.  
  
Me: Hey! You cant be here! Get back in the fic!  
  
Sirius: *mutter* Why didn't you stay dead?  
  
Me: Anyway. OOOH! I JUST GOT REVIEWED! Within 10 mins of posting..thank you, all of you..  
  
------  
  
In Which Methinks there Will Be More Invasions From Other Books..and I may just include my reviewers for being nice ^_^  
  
Me: *wakes up grogilly* Ugh..I have marshmallow in my hair.  
  
Samara: I want a marshmallow.  
  
Me: *out cold again*  
  
Hermione: Sammy..  
  
Samara: o_O  
  
Hermione: Why didn't you just take one, or the whole bag while she was unconscious?  
  
Samara: *looks shocked* That would be rude!  
  
Ron: Murrrflmumble.  
  
Samara: Translation please?  
  
Harry: He said "and killing people isn't?"  
  
Samara: *glare*  
  
Anyone in range: X___x  
  
Diva (one of my lovely reviewers) : HI!!  
  
Everyone whos not dead or unconscious or has a tennis ball in their mouth: *stare* Who th-  
  
Me: *wakes up groggily* Wha? Oh. Diva. Yes. Hi. You gave me nice reviews. Have a marshmallow ()_)  
  
Diva: Ooooo..  
  
Samara: *fumefume* I WANT A DAMN MARSHMALLOW!  
  
Diva: o_O Here, have mine..  
  
Samara: Oooooo! *munch*  
  
Diva: *pats Samara on head* Awww, all you needed was a little understanding, eh..?  
  
Samara: *darkly* Don't touch me..  
  
Diva: *suddenly realises is in HP fic and can randomly fangirl anyone she wants*  
  
Big Blary Warning Siren on Wall: Warning! Mary-Sue!  
  
Everyone who has ever been submitted to Mary Sue-ism: AAAAARGH!  
  
Diva: *pounces on Remus*  
  
Sirius: *growls*  
  
Me: Diva, don't you care that I always have Remus and Sirius being gay?  
  
Diva: No..*cling*  
  
Me: Ok, whatever. Samara?  
  
Samara: *munching marshmallows* Mmhmm?  
  
Me: Kill her.  
  
Samara: ..  
  
Me: *gulp*  
  
Samara: *shrug*  
  
Diva: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar-ow.  
  
Everyone: Ewwwww..*has nightmares for weeks*  
  
Random Hobbit: Wait..this isn't Bag End!  
  
Everyone who belongs to Barrowdowns.net: *laughs*  
  
Everyone else: O_o  
  
Figwit: Heeeere little lost hobbit..  
  
Sirius: *has just eaten hobbit*  
  
Figwit: o_O Bad dog!  
  
Sirius: *humping Figwit's leg*  
  
Figwit: (to Frederika) I hate you. Get it off.  
  
Me: No. People are having too much fun laughing at that mental pictu-urk!  
  
Hermione: *is holding tranquilizer gun*  
  
Everyone: ..  
  
Hermione: *shoots Sirius with it*  
  
Sirius: X___x  
  
Harry: Ok..Hermione, why don't we put the gun down, and- Urk!  
  
Hermione: *homicidal giggling*  
  
Everyone but Samara: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES (and/or sanity!)  
  
Samara: OOoooo! Playmate!  
  
Everyone, including the miraculously recovered unconscious people: *runs into next pathetic excuse for a chapter*  
  
---------------------- Me: Phew.  
  
Samara and Hermione: *homicidal giggling*  
  
Me: o_O 


	4. In which my friends arrive! And expire

Ooooook..this is getting very weird. Very. I may cease to write this soon, because -  
  
Samara: *snigger*  
  
Me: HA!!!  
  
Samara: ..? Shouldn't you be passed out?  
  
Me: Newahahaha! I'm not scareded of you anymore! Lalalalaaaa!!!  
  
Hermione: *brandishes tranq gun* What about ME?  
  
Me: o_O eep.  
  
Hermione: *giggle* Now you have to keep writing..  
  
Everyone contained in and associated with fic: NOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
----  
  
In Which Hermione Becomes Very Scary, and All My Friends Appear  
  
Harry: *is cowering behind a tree stump* Ok..who gave Hermione and the dead gal a GUN?!  
  
Sirius: *hiding behind Figwit* Wuff?  
  
Ron: Wjahah um? (Translation ~ Whats a gun?)  
  
Harry: A gun. Long metal tube, wood at one end, nasty painful blasty things erupt from oth- DUCK!  
  
Everybody: *ducks as horse tranq flies past*  
  
Random horse: *thud*  
  
Homicidal Girls: *giggle*  
  
Figwit and Loz: HORSIE!  
  
Everyone who can still talk: *looks at Loz* Who the hell are yo- and who are THEY?  
  
*Motley band of teenage girls appear – one tall and blonde, who walks into a lamppost, one shorter and blonde who is lighting matches, accompanied by a dark girl with a lighter, one girl with mad curly black hair, one with long straight mousy hair with odd coloured patches, one sitting on a goat, and a distinctly rabid looking one clutching a stake*  
  
Me: GUUUUUUUUUYS!  
  
Teenagers: Freeeeeeeeeed!  
  
Fred: Wha-Oh. Her.  
  
Me: Peoples, meet the Stitch Gang. That's Jenny, on the goat, that's Loz with the pointy object, tha- DUCK!  
  
Everyone: *duck*  
  
Jenny: *falls off goat with thud* *sleeps*  
  
Samara: I TOLD YOU TO HIT THE BLOKE'S GIRL, NOT THE GOAT GIRL!  
  
Hermione: *giggle* Sorry..  
  
Me: o_O Aaaaaaaanyway.. the tall one is Tilpot, yes, her, with the shiny spoon, and the two huddled over the fire are Elanor , and Maaria. And that's-  
  
Figwit: Oi, are you a hobbit?  
  
Elanor: *looks up from flame* *Sees elf* AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! FIGWIT!  
  
Figwit: Uh oh..  
  
Elanor: *cling* Take me to Legolas!!  
  
Figwit: Um..I'd..love to, but..um..my..my horse died. Yeah. See?  
  
Elanor: *pushes sleeping Jenny away from goat* We'll take the goat!  
  
Megan (who has just appeared and will hit me if shes left out): ME TOOO!  
  
Figwit: o_0 *rides off into distance with Elanor&Megan on goat*  
  
Sirius: ..that was odd..  
  
Dark curly haired girl: Hey!! HEY! YOU LOOK LIKE VILLE!  
  
Sirius: Um..?  
  
Me: Ville Valo. Singer in our world. You do, actually. Beki wants to shag him. Which means she'll now try to sh-BEKI!  
  
Beki: *is humping Sirius' leg*  
  
Sirius: o_0  
  
Remus: ¬_¬  
  
James: Hermione!!  
  
Hermione: *evil giggle* Yesh?  
  
James: Shoot the girl humping Sirius..  
  
Samara: But..but..  
  
Hermione: *taking aim* What?  
  
Beki: *ceases humping* I'm a Morgan, like you, Sammy!  
  
Samara: *sniff* Like the sister I never had..I'm sorry, I have something in my eye..*sniff*  
  
Hermione: Do I shoot the tart or not?  
  
Samara/Beki: No!  
  
Sirius/Everybody: Yes!  
  
Elrond: *drifting past* Wazzoo.  
  
Everyone: o_0 Hey, where'd Samara, Beki and Hermione go?  
  
Sabriel (from Garth Nix..) : Next chapter. I just came from there.  
  
Me: Get back in there! *shove* I haven't finished introducing my friends yet..  
  
Loz: Bored. *stabs passing House Elf*  
  
Harry: *whispers to Ron* Good job Herm didn't see that..  
  
Ron: Mjuurfle.  
  
Me: *loudly* Aaaanyway. That's Jenny, asleep where the goat was. Elanor'n'Megan have ridden off on the goat with Figgy. Beki has..erm..vanished, Maaria is torching Snape, Loz is killing stuff, so that leaves..ah! Tilpot, who is..eating Play-doh.. and Elly, she of the odd hair.  
  
Remus: *points and laughs*  
  
Elly: *growls*  
  
Me: Oi! Leave her alone, that's my girlfriend!  
  
Everyone: o_0  
  
Me: Um. Moving swiftly on..  
  
*Noise of screams and bells ringing come from next chapter*  
  
Everybody: Oooo..*follows*  
  
------------------  
  
Me: Um. Yes. Anyway. Those are my friends. And Elly really is my girlfriend. You touch, I send Samara, Beki and Hermi after you..  
  
SBH: We heard that!  
  
Me: *cowers* Marshmallow?  
  
SBH: Ooooo ()_) ()_) ()_) *munch* 


	5. In which we discover a plot!

Me: Sooooooooooo..  
  
Everyone: Sooooooooo what?  
  
Me: Um. Here we are!  
  
Sirius: Which is..where?  
  
Me: That, my friend, is a very good question. We are. Um. In the next chapter!  
  
Everyone: *groaaaaaaan*  
  
Harry: Will it never end?!  
  
------------------  
  
In Which Sabriel Has To Appear Because I Said So Last Chapter  
  
James: Sabriel?  
  
Sabriel: Oui. Me.  
  
Loz: Who?  
  
Me, Elly & Nicola: Sabriel! Oh, go read it..  
  
Everyone: Erm..  
  
Sabriel: Lirael was here earlier..  
  
SBH: *runs past giggling*  
  
Me: O_o This can't be good. Hey!! HEY! GUYS!  
  
Everyone: ..  
  
Me: *greatly excited* WE HAVE A PLOT!  
  
Harry: *muttering to Ron* Only took 4 chapters..  
  
Me: The plot is..we're going to find Lirael!  
  
Everyone: Erm..why?  
  
Me: Because. We need a plot. I haven't met her yet..and..*lowers voice* I kinda thought she sounded hot in the book..  
  
Sabriel and Elly: *narrows eyes*  
  
Me: Erm. Scrap that..so. Yes. We're going to find Lirael..Sirius! Remus! NO! DON'T MAKE ME GET THE HOSE!!  
  
Loz, Jender and Nicola: Ewwww..Fred! Damn you and your fairy boys!!  
  
Me: *giggles* Aww..they're cuuuute..  
  
Everyone else: O_o  
  
Sabriel: Anyway..  
  
Me: Everyone! Get some sort of transport, and meet back here in..erm..5 minutes!  
  
~*FIVE MINUTES LATER*~  
  
Me: *sitting on grey horse with Elly* We all here?  
  
Sabriel: *sitting on her horse* Yes.  
  
Remus'n'Sirius: *sitting on Bike, aka the Black Bitch, aka Sirius' motorbike* Yep!  
  
Harry and other wizards/witches: *on brooms* Yep!  
  
Loz : *on a horse* Yehuh  
  
Jender: *on her other goat* Yeah  
  
Nicola: *looking in horror at her fat little pony* Yes..  
  
SBH: *all sitting on vaccum cleaners* *giggles*  
  
Me: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllrighty then..if we're all ready..  
  
Elly: I'm allergic to horses *sneezes*  
  
Nicola: I can't ride..  
  
Moxie: Icky!  
  
Pepsi: Double icky!  
  
Nicola: NOOOOOOOOO! Make it stop!  
  
Sabriel: *bored* *rings bell* (if you don't understand, go read the book..)  
  
Moxie, Pepsi and Nicola: *hit the floor and sleep*  
  
Me: Eh. Solves that problem..so. Let us go. Tally ho!  
  
Everyone riding: Tally ho!  
  
RnS: Vrooooooooooooom!  
  
SBH: *giggle*  
  
*massive dust cloud*  
  
TBC..  
  
--------------------  
  
Me: WOW! A PLOT!  
  
Elly: Why are you making me ride a horse?! I can't ride and I don't like horses..  
  
Me: You really think I'm going to leave you unguarded for a SECOND with that lot around?  
  
Elly: *sulk*  
  
Me: Oh, shut up. You just want a shot at Sirius because he looks like Ville..  
  
Elly: O_o How did you know?  
  
Me: I'm thinking the same thing, my dear..  
  
-*-*-*-  
  
Xxx Chapter dedicated to Elly. Love you Princess xxX 


End file.
